Giving Hope
You can see the first parts here and here.
Text:
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Heb 12:1–2)
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” (Rom 8:18)
“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Cor 4:17–18)
Introduction
It has been said that people can live with anything as long as there is hope. What I want to talk about now is how to give hope to the person who is suffering with depression.
Love
It all starts with you loving your friend. This doesn’t mean that you give them a big kiss (or it might). It means you pour your life out for them; you stand up for them, you stand against them (when needed), you take them to Jesus and help them to draw near to God. And you do it all for and in love.
Here’s the principle. As we’ve seen, John 3 16 says that God loved the world, so he gave his son. Then in 1 Jn 4:8 we learned that God is love. Then, in Eph 5:25 God told husbands to love their wives like Christ loved his church by dying for her. But he adds that Christ’s death made her lovely
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.” (Ephesians 5:25–27).
The same principle shows itself in 1 Peter 3 where the apostle tells wives that their chaste and respectful behavior toward their fathead husbands will transform them into respectable men (3:1-6).
And again, in Romans, Paul said that loving our enemies will overcome evil (12:21).
The point is that love is efficacious. It changes things. God’s love for us transforms us and his love through us transforms our friends, family and even enemies.
So, love your friend, take them to Jesus’ love, live the life of Christ in front of them so that that love can get all over them and change them from the inside out.
Some things not to do
In addition, we need to know that depressed people often don’t want a lot of talking to happen. You might think you know what is going on but remember that Job’s friends did a great job until they started talking. So, take your time. Just sit with your friend, take them food, do things for them (dishes, laundry, pet the cat, etc.) and let the love of God pour over them until they are ready to talk and let you talk.
Then, as you do talk, remember their frame (Ps 103:14). Remember that while their depression may be their own fault, they are suffering and usually, coming out of it means being drawn out, not shoving them out. You need to maintain gentleness (Gal 6:1).
Don’t compare their situation with one you’ve been in. It isn’t usually helpful to say, “I know what you’re going through.” No, you don’t. You aren’t them. For the sufferer, there is nothing worse in their life and nothing has ever been worse in their own life, unless they are running all their troubles into this one event.
Don’t be overly cheerful: “He who blesses his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, It will be counted a curse to him.” (Prov 27:14)
When you leave, don’t leave if you’ve just had trouble. Be careful that the person knows that you’re leaving because you need to rather than because you are trying to “get away.”
Things to do
Ask about their last doctor visit. Sometimes women can be depressed because of hormonal things (men too but more common in women). Thyroid irregularities can cause depression. Depression medication can cause depression. All sorts of physical things can cause depression.
If they have been to a doctor and found out that their depression is related to something physical, encourage them in the process. Sometimes the medication can take weeks to kick in and take effect and it can be difficult to wait.
Remember that you can’t “fix” anyone. All you are is pointing to Jesus. Don’t let their situation cause you to become depressed (watch yourself – Gal 6:1).
Be honest, gentle (Gal 6:1), kind, careful, blunt (where needed), wise, etc.
Bring up the topic of suicide. You may need to tell them, “you may not kill yourself.” And/or, “You may not think about killing yourself.” Or, “In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, you may not kill yourself.” Some folks are afraid that bringing up the topic may give the depressed person the idea he hadn’t considered before. But I’ve never heard of anyone who was depressed who didn’t think about suicide way more than they ought.
You should also be careful of someone who has been taking depression medication who starts coming off them or changes meds. Sometimes, folks are too depressed to kill themselves, but medication can bring their levels up to the place where they are now able. I have heard situations where it appears that this is what happened.
Pray for them and with them. Sometimes singing to them can be helpful. It might simply cheer them up if you’re terrible (or make things worse).
Assure them of God’s presence and love for them.
Striking Out In Baseball
Be careful of pointing out the obvious. Be careful of hitting them when they are already down. At the same time, sometimes people need to be talked to in a straight way. If you have the ballast with them to be open and honest, be so, kindly.
Sometimes it more helpful to simply talk about what should be done, not what was done wrongly or sinfully. Leave room for God’s spirit to convict of sin. Do this by asking questions or by sharing your own testimony.
Offering Hope
We need to do a lot of praying for wisdom as we minister to people who are suffering from depression.
We need to pray that God would give us the strength and memory to stay godly through the ordeal. A depressed person can suck us dry and make us want to just yell at them. But yelling doesn’t help. We need to be patient and Christlike through the event.
One of the things we pray for is how to shine the love and hope that God offers to the person who is stuck in a deep hole and who can’t see the top. You want to shine that light on them, but you don’t want to be the person who “blesses his friend with a loud voice, early in the morning.”
I think the best thing is to simply ask how you can help. Even ask what kinds of things you might say that will help.
You might ask if you can read the list of hope verses I’ve put at the beginning of these notes. Then, with permission, read them and their contexts and talk about each one. Depending on your relationship, talk about them in relation to the person or simply about how they strike you.
Speak truth to Yourself, Don’t Listen To Yourself
Emotions are nuts. But we need to know that they follow thoughts and intentions of the heart. Only after that do they lead. A person who is depressed began their trip because of emotions taking over, but now their body has kicked in and they are suffering from the results of faulty thinking and feeling.
The depressed person needs to be reminded of the truths of God’s presence, his love, his plan, how this all works, where and how sin has been involved in all this, what confession is all about, what forgiveness means and how your friend can rely on God’s loving kindness. After this, you’ll probably need to help them with the positive side of repentance. Simply confessing their sin, but not forsaking and heading in a new, godly direction will end back where all this started. They can believe all this. They can rejoice, even when they feel like the south side of north bound horse.
They need to talk (truth) to themselves and stop listening to themselves (lies). What they should say is all the things we’ve been talking about. Here’s a good place to start: take Philippians 4:8 and ask them to make lists of Paul’s list. You should write it down for them. Then they need to put it somewhere where they can see it and to pray through it regularly. Then they need to tell themselves that this is truth. That other stuff isn’t true. It is a lie of Satan.
In doing this you will be helping them “take every thought captive” (2 Cor 10:5). You will be helping them to renew their mind (Rom 12:2). You will be teaching them to exercise self-control (2 Pet 1:5-7).
Some helpful books:
Depression: Looking Up From the Stubborn Darkness, Ed Welch
If I’m a Christian, Why Am I Depressed, Robert Somerville
Rethinking Depression, Daniel Berger
Spiritual Depression, Martyn Loyd-Jones
Feelings and Faith, Brian Borgman
Shame Interrupted, Ed Welch
A Small Cup of Light, Ben Palpant
When People are Big And God is Small, Ed Welch
Pleasing People, Lou Priolo
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